Comics, Fun, Life, Propaganda
Posted February 28, 2007 at 12:50 pm by Severed Head
I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of Dinosaur Comics.
Guitar, Life, Music, Propaganda
Posted February 27, 2007 at 12:40 pm by Severed Head
Halcyon Days (Where Were You Then?)
Posted February 26, 2007 at 9:44 am by Severed Head
Those halcyon days are here
They went away, but they’re back again
This glow never ends
I’m numbed out on bliss that comes on like a friend
And it’s great
A fantastic waste of time
Life is long, but it all moves so fast
You’re first then you’re last
Afraid of the future but I’m bored with the past
And it’s great
Yeah it’s great
It’s so great
Remember when you wanted it all to end?
My last will and testament
Was full of things that I didn’t really mean
I want to come clean
But these words are easier to write than to read
Or to say, my mood swings are severe
But halcyon days are here anyway
I’m held in your sway
The drug of your love has me slipping away
And it’s great
Yeah it’s great
It’s so great
Remember when you wanted it all to end?
Posted February 26, 2007 at 7:56 am by Severed Head
This really works out pretty well, actually. I would recommend it to anyone. It’s just a shame I didn’t remember last night. It seems like every night I just get depressed and upset and so ridiculously teenage, so childish. These notes would’ve helped then. But I’m alive now, and live another day to see my silly encouraging notes.
I slept in my clothes last night
Posted February 25, 2007 at 10:23 am by Severed Head
Why is that? Kind of weird. I didn’t really think about it. I was just tired and went to bed. No change of clothes. Hmm. I should see how long I can go wearing the same clothes. Test endurance of certain clothes.
Posted February 23, 2007 at 3:57 am by Severed Head
I don’t know why I’m so unhappy. I guess I feel a sense of helplessness to time and work and things I feel obliged to do. I still don’t really have any freedom. I still am unable to yell at the people on the floor for being loud at 3:30 in the morning. I am still having panic attacks. Well, maybe not. That’s what Joe and Raul diagnosed me with a while ago, but I’m not entirely sure of it. I think maybe what I had were panic attacks, but since then, I may have been falsely diagnosing myself. Perhaps. I don’t know though. Last night I couldn’t stop shaking. In fact, the last few nights, I’ve been unable to control myself in that regard and didn’t even notice it at times. Today, just thinking about stuff waiting in line for the bus, all of a sudden my heart started racing like crazy, and I got incredibly worried about everything.
So I have resorted to writing notes to myself. Well, I say this, but I have only written one physical note to myself. I feel that maybe having it in a physical entity will help. It basically says the exact same thing as the 3 comments I left for myself on yesterday’s or whenever’s post. I know it sounds dumb or weird, but I really think it might help. I get in these completely different mindsets. Yesterday, during the day, I felt invincible, like I could do anything. At night, I felt like shit and I hated myself. I have since felt like the hating myself bit, but with a few glimpses of hope here and there in my inner dialogue. My subvocalization. And as much as I’d like to become a faster reader, I don’t want to get rid of that subvocalization. It’s comforting to hear my own voice, to know that I’m still there. That there is some alterior source of reason, perhaps? A conscience? A subconscious? Whatever. Anyway, I figure if I can hold on fucking tightly to whatever bits of hope I have, maybe I’ll be happy until I feel my life has really improved. I don’t think it will just improve randomly though. I really do think I have the power to control it. Listening to happy songs makes me happier, for example. Not doing homework makes me happy. Homework stresses me the fuck out. That’s why I don’t do it. It’s not laziness as much as it is frustration.
I keep thinking stuff too and just getting mad at myself for thinking it. I guess I can’t help the thinking, but can I? It’s like sexual feelings. I pretty much have always felt guilty for any sort of sexual feelings I’ve ever had for anyone, but I know it can’t really be helped, right? Maybe it can. And maybe life would be easier if these feelings went away, but I guess that’s just part of who I am. I suppose it is probably healthy to have sexual feelings for girls in short skirts and whatnot. I mean it’s not something I’m proud of at all. I hate admitting that. It really makes me hate myself. But then I guess I really need to look back and go: Well why do I hate myself? I don’t even know. I guess it’s because I don’t want to be one of those guys who fucks everything on two legs. And though I know I am not that guy, I have the feelings of that guy maybe. Hopefully not to the extreme. And what separates those who fuck and those who want to fuck, anyway? This is all philosophically speaking, by the way. I only kind of half mean this to be about sex. Anyway, this implies there’s some sort of other circumstances to stop me from doing that, whether it be a conscience, physical obstacles, or a lack of will, which are not apparent in this other fucking man.
But mostly, I worry. I constantly am insecure about goddamn everything. What if he/she/it doesn’t like me? What if I get fired from work because they hate me? They have been acting weird around me lately and it does seem that everyone suspects inventory of stealing. And I get mad at myself for worrying about these things because it’s stupid. I don’t know what else to do though. I mean I suppose getting mad at myself over the act is probably even stupider, as a lot of these reasons are completely unfounded, and I should just know in my head that things are going to turn out all right. I think, in the end of all this, things will turn out all right. But right now it is a bit hard to see exactly how. But what about the things that aren’t unfounded, where I will just get a distinct impression that someone doesn’t like me? Well, if in the future, it turns out this is wrong, I tend to forget it. And this happens a lot. So why can’t I just learn to stop worrying about this stuff? Or something. Fuck, like I know.
There are so many more thoughts in my head, but I cannot express them all. I am tired. I had been lying in bed for an hour with no final rest because I have so many thoughts. This is only a small portion of all of them that I have been having. Or maybe I am just making this obstacle, these thinking thoughts, out to be a lot huger than they really are. I can’t tell. I can’t think of a lot more to say, but it feels like there’s so much more worry and pain and anger there. And in the past week or two, I’ve felt that things have been better and I had it all figured it out. But maybe I do? Maybe all of these thoughts are all that are worrying me. And that’s it. I know the insecurity bit is taking up a huge amount of worry. Or maybe it’s just that I need to do more than talk about it. Maybe I need professional help, but then that just brings up more issues of constrained time which I already don’t have. I still need to take guitar lessons too, and I have no time for that, and that would really really help with my future. And I’d quit my job, but I just like being able to have a financial source that is seemingly endless. And I have about $3000 saved up, but I’d like to fix my car and be able to finally go up to Washington on the road trip I’ve been waiting for for four years. And also just to drive around and have some freedom and maybe have a definite way of actually getting to these guitar lessons.
This is the most I’ve written in a long time, and it feels good. I suppose I’ve gotten a lot of it out more recently by talking instead of typing online, but I don’t really have the option of talking right now. Which kind of sucks, because it destroys all human interaction and I have no idea if anyone’s going to take the time to read this or not. I, personally, have never cared for reading long posts. Just the slightest glance of it is a huge turn-off for me. But I guess right now it is just the fact that it is out there, and that maybe someone has an idea of what I’m going through. Or better yet, someone has had all of these feelings and worries about the same stuff. I think probably so. But I’m not entirely sure. Again, it’s that insecurity thing. I need definite evidence of this person, and even then, I am constantly questioning everything it seems. It is so stupid. I have the whole world ahead of me and I have the ability to be happy and shape my future to be the most amazing shit anyone has ever done. What the hell is stopping me!?
I feel maybe I should’ve written this as a letter, but this is addressed to a number of people. A number of people I’ve never met, and, specifically, a number of people I know. But different parts go to all different people, and a lot of parts go to multiple people, and whatnot. And I’m sure most of the people this is intended for will never actually read it. But again, it is out there. And thought it is a really weak attempt at a cry for help or whatever the hell I’m doing, it is an attempt, right?
Conspiracies, Fun, Life, Propaganda
Posted February 22, 2007 at 12:19 pm by Severed Head
Look at me! I am going to college! Look at me! I like to drink! Look at me! I am totally sarcastic all the time, and, therefore think that I am clever! Look at me! I am open to have sex with everyone of the opposite sex! Look at me! Look at me! Is anyone looking yet?
Our Resident Assistant is never here too and that bugs me. Is that not what it means to be a resident!? And what does she assist in!?
Grrrragtadfgfg.
True story.
Also, that is really what I think is going through the heads of most of the people on campus. Like if I could read minds, and that’s what I came up with, I wouldn’t be surprised one bit.
Posted February 21, 2007 at 11:43 pm by Severed Head
Totally did not realize until just now that this whole song is about sex. Discovered it on my own and was like “whoa” (that’s exactly how I was like too, I am not exaggerating at all), and a few people on songmeanings.net confirmed this. Or maybe one person. Regardless, it is pretty obvious now. Duh.
Posted February 20, 2007 at 9:54 pm by Severed Head
Our little Joe is growing up.
All that hype for an mp3 player
Posted February 20, 2007 at 3:48 pm by Severed Head
So Doukutsu just plain kicks ass. Seriously. You should try it. What’s that, you don’t have an awesome controller like me? Oh, well that’s your problem then I guess.
It is actually pretty funny, don’t you think?